The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
