I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
