The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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