Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You can't motorboat a personality
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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