Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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