mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
