just survived the first fart of the relationship.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
