Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize