did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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