What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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