dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
