my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Rumble strips road head = magical
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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