Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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