so explain again why im purple
no
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
