I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We left the knife in your bed.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
