He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
