we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
