Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
