Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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