i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
