do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
