ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
