Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize