He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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