I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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