If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
