i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
