Please, let me fuck your mom
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
