Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
