Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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