I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
