The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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