he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize