I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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