you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize