my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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