Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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