and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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