That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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