my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
