I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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