I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
