Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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