picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hippo gnu deer
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
