Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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