she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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