Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
