I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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