i already hear my dad disowning me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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