Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
