Jerry, you need to find god
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
