i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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