Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
