Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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