Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
