Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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