Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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