The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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