Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Are we still banned from the library?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
