You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just threw up on my dentist
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am available for nakedness
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
