Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
