i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
