the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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